Should? Just Listen

 Your relaxed brain
Hello from Croatia!

 

Welcome to The Language of a Happy Life Workshop, today focusing on the virus Should and its antidote Listen

It is a delight for me to greet you from a country that has surprised me intensely… wowww…

 

I am here in a week of joy, where 60 of us united during the Yacht Week to celebrate life, friendship, nature… the Unknown…

 

Here are some  Croatia images of this Heaven on Earth….

 

Inspired by the early morning crickets screaming out so we all can remember:

 

listenQUE PINCHE VIDON!!  my sweet Mom’s mantra meaning WHAT A DAMN GREAT LIFE!!

 

In this joy, I have the pleasure to continue with what we started on May 8: The Language of a Happy Life Course, with the virus should and its antidote listen.

 

 

Preparation of Your Space

 

This is a date with yourself. And there is nothing more important than the communication with yourself to walk every morning your way… declaring just how beautiful life is.

 

Communicating with Self gives you the clarity you need to live the life of your dreams.

 

If you are not ready to declare the beauty of life, at least give yourself the chance to say “how beautiful these 15 minutes of dating myself” are.

 

Take a deep breath in…feel your lungs expand… thank them breathing you…

 

Again, take a deep breath in…thank your lungs as you visualize them exhaling that carbon dioxide  into the air for the plants to take it and produce the precious oxygen that keeps us alive…

 

 

Now, with a smile on your face, keep on breathing normally, feeling the great peace that being in the Now brings you…

 

Keep on breathing like this until you feel the awareness of the moment… the importance of talking to yourself with such calm…no judgements, no criticism… just being…

 

Now I am smiling with you even if we are miles away and dont have a name or a specific face…

 

No need… and it doesn’t matter… quantum entaglement allows us to just be, together… in an “I feel good” mode.

 

Is your preferred soft music on? Is your preferred hot drink next to you?

 

Are you smiling?

 

OK, then, let us start.

 

 

The Virus Should

 

As mentioned in my past blogs, I grew up not understanding that my parents were being so strict with me because that was the way they believed I would develop into a strong, self-sufficient, beneficial member of the society. As I mentioned in my past blogs, this sense of authority with not much asking my opinion was slowly slowly sending me into the Ugly Doll forgotten in the corners of the attic, where non desired things would end up being.

 

You should know better!!

 

How many of you have heard or said the above fatal sentence?

 

Have you?

 

I would like to ask you to please close your eyes and say it, and feel what is the feeling that these words cause in your being…

 

Again, just breathe and say it out-loud. Feel  how you feel about this should virus-word. Do you recognise any or all of the following?

 

  • A sense of frustration
  • A feeling of humiliation
  • Confusion
  • Doubt of self worth
  • A feeling of being pinned down
  • A feeling of not-good
  • A feeling of being attacked…
  • An impossibility to communicate with the “shoulding” person

 

Can you feel how this word truly can handicap you, if you allow it?

 

My Mom used this phrase so many times, each time making me feel like un-necessary. Stupid, frustrated, a good-for-nothing. Why was it that I could not understand what my Mom wanted from me… was I truly that incompetent? Was I really that un-intelligent? So much less than everyone else?

 

And the answer came daily, always more convinced as I told myself:

 

“Yes, you are a good-for-nothing…you should know this!

 

And slowly but surely, that became also my mantra. The worst part is that  I would say it to myself every time I could…until it was part of me…unconditionally…

 

 

What is the harm caused by this virus?

 

Feeling the feelings mentioned above, and knowing that a feeling attached to an idea creates that reality, the harm done by this virus can be irreversible:

 

  • Incapability of communicating from the heart
  • Eternal sense of needing to be in a defensive mode
  • Hindering the own self esteem
  • Getting into the habit of imposing the own thoughts on others
  • Living in a state of fear, scared to be vulnerable, hence, bullied
  • Being in an eternal defensive mode

 

During my childhood my parents “shoulded me around” extensively. Now I understand that they didn’t mean it that way, but rather, they expected me to just understand whatever they meant at the first emission of command.

 

But I didnt… I just obeyed to what I felt they meant, and moved into a sense of anxiety…

 

  • Stressed
  • Not feeling good
  • Unhappy…
  • Feeling stupid not knowing what mom meant by you should no better!
  • Blaming my parents without knowing

 

 

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The worst thing was that as much as I didn’t like the way it made me feel, I noticed that I was slowly slowly getting that habit of shoulding self and others myself!

 

Word-virus responsible for divorces and other abrupt divisions, including in the office

 

 

This word is so widely used that nobody recognizes the “virus” in it.

 

It is creepy…slowly constructing a wall between you and others…slowly slowly making that wall so thick that you can’t hear what others are saying anymore…and the reason why you can’t hear them is:

 

  If you are contaminated by this virus and use it:

 

  • You will unconsciously impose your thoughts on others
  • You will allow arrogance to be a constant visitor in your life
  • You will become less and less kind and compassionate,
  • You will create a wall between your Self and your self…the most dangerous sickness of them all…
  • You will be nagging, judging, criticizing in a spree of self-search…lost in solitude

 

If you are bullied unconsciously by a user and you allow it by taking it personal:

 

  • You might close to communication and impose back
  • You might fall in submission by doing things to please others asking for validation
  • You might comply and do something you don’t want to do feeling an unrecognized self-betrayal
  • You might feel choked

 

Should, the perfect way to impose your thoughts into conflict

Should, the perfect way to impose your thoughts into conflict

Your stressed brain (here represented in brown) registers a sense of alarm. Negative thoughts cause the brain  to send the order to produce cortisol, the stress hormone, responsible for your feelings of fear, hence un-health since you are in constant anxiety. In the above meeting, the participants feel attacked by the “leader” who just imposes his thoughts instead of listening…getting like that to build a wall between them and him, and productivity will most certainly not reach the optimal levels.

 

 

You shouldn’t slurp!

 

Many years ago, when I was 21 years old always feeling  in the peak of my life, I chose to go to Japan and study the language and culture of that wonderful culture.

 

I couldn’t have chosen a country more different to our habits and customs than Japan… literally it seemed to me that they were polite, delicate Alliens-  no offense! Of course in a good way.

 

My intention while in Japan was to learn the language. Why? Because while I was studying german at the Goethe Institute in  Boppard am Rhein I had the joy of having a Japanese room mate: Kotoko Hagitani, a lovely girl that became my sister… her parents were living in Dusseldorf, a modern city just a few hours away from our little town… so having met them, and having felt the way they saw life I truly wanted to learn more from them.

 

So I decided to go to Japan and learn that language, my sixth one by then. I speak about how I got the funding from Source, from the Flow in my book “My dreams are not negotiable” and how I ended up working for a Japanese company and hosted in a villa in the middle of Tokyo, with a “Mom” that was a teacher of all sorts of Japanese arts and a “Dad” that was a shacho, or president of a company.

 

One night, at the beginning of my stay, I went to a soba house hungry as can be. I was truly looking forward to the delight of those light noodles that I so much love…when… I start fearing noises that are absolutely “unacceptable” to a well educated person.

 

THEY WERE ALL SLURPING AT UNISON…

 

In total shock, I couldn’t believe my ears. With a raisin-like face, showing my total disgust, I said to myself: “Wowwww…they should know that this is a totally unacceptable thing to do! Don’t they have any education?”

 

Aghhh…

 

And as I was in the middle of FIXING these lovely people, my deep love for this incredible race took over in compassion, and I heard myself say to myself: “Well Gloria, you are now in Japan. Maybe in Mexico this is not acceptable. However, here, in Japan, this is part of their culture, so you are going to need to slurp yourself!”

 

How “shoulding” your partner can be “lethal”

 

In the case of a relationship, this attitude of “shoulding” the other into “How is it possible that you could have done that? You should know that is completely unacceptable!

 

First of all, not only do you have your own perspective of life. On top of that there is the gender difference, which is HUGE. And when I say HUGE, I mean HUGE. Louann Brinzendine tells us more about this in her book The Female Brain.

 

 

 

The Antidote Listen

 

 

 

Imagine that instead of “shoulding” your partner you chose to listen… isn’t this what you yourself would prefer done to you?

 

Listen, the shortest short cut into smooth and creative communication

Listen, the shortest short cut into smooth and creative communication

 Your relaxed brain (represented in pink)  is registering the sense of harmony when you listen…so it sends the order to produce endorphins, the happiness hormone responsible for  wellbeing). In this meeting, all participants feel appreciated and important, bringing the productivity yo great levels while health stays stable in the group, provoking remarkable savings to the company plus a happy and jolly working environment.

 

Here I would like to add an excerpt of my book “Spiritual Orgasms, vivid encounters in the Now” that illustrates how listening instead of “shoulding” makes your life flow in peace and contentment, allowing you to be inspired by all those who surround you.

 

Is it right? Is it wrong?

 

As thirty six years ago in Tokyo I landed
Eager to learn with  no delay their language
I was so very deeply and  truly impressed
To see that I was in such a different age

 

At least one year my intention it was
To stay in a family and their ways to learn
From their habits and customs to be inspired 
And allow all my being their wisdom to earn

 

 
The Japanese language is not easy at all
Since so different from the western languages it is
However the greatest challenge truly was
To decide if this or that right or wrong was?

 

As you enter a soba restaurant place
Where only noodles in soup are served
A distinct huge Slurp you will hear in all the place
As everyone at unison slurp what they are served

 

Or when I  entered a door with a man
So surprised I truly was to realize
That he would not open the door for me
As he first walked in letting the door close in my eyes

 

Or when my Japanese Mom  with no evident pain
Would iron my Japanese Dad’s shirt
Knowing that he would be going out with no pain
Surely with other women in the bar to flirt

 

Or when the Japanese etiquette would dictate 
That when a woman would drink all contained
Her glass with two hands she should hold
Sipping not so quietly the liquid contained

 

As the days passed in such deep contrast
My level of resistance kept oh so bothering me!
However I had determined I would not leave Japan
Until I that language had managed to speak

 

So one night in its entirety it was tears all I knew
Allowing without resistance my not-so-happy-feelings to pass through
And as morning arrived and the wise face of Okaasama I saw
I bowed with reverence instead of giving her a hug

 

“Gloria my dear”, my Self told my Self
“You are not now in the land where you up grew
But in the land at the other side of the world
Where bad is good, and good is bad”

 

So for the sake of feeling-good
Please don’t argue anymore
Knowing that there is nothing labeled Bad nor Good
And just live in peace going with your flow

 

——-

 

Japan. Just writing the word gives me such a great sense of peace, integrity and commitment….

 

Japanese was the sixth language I learned at age twenty-one. But that experience was worth a lot more than just learning a language. It was a lot more than that! It was THE experience that made me ask myself: WHAT IS RIGHT AND WHAT IS WRONG?

 

For the past twenty-one years I had been taught that no slurping was allowed at the table, that I should hold my cup with only one hand, that women walked before men into places as they held the door open, that a wife should totally go against her husband flirting with other women. And the list went on and on.

 

As the days passed, my continuous unconscious resistance brought me to a place of not-feeling-good, so alien to me. Until one night, my glass overspilled and I cried all night.

 

Like a miracle, at sunrise my understanding was clear and my heart free again: there is no such thing as wrong or right. There is only a point of view. 

 

I have learned now that if something makes me feel contracted, it is a sign that iI need to change directions. And if I feel expanded, then that is the way to go. 

 

I learned to enjoy life without judgement, without blaming nor nagging, just knowing that always, everything is just fine.

 

Thank you my dearest Japan. 

 

 

 

No more Shoulding for me…

 

After the above mentioned experience I learned one very important lesson: it is myself who creates conflict with others when I choose to should them, supposing that they should understand what is in my mind. When you should others, you are simply opening a door to conflict. And when the person involved does not play your game and says his/her mind, you can easily fall into the classical:

 

 

“I can’t believe he/she did that…she/he should know this is not acceptable!!”
 

 

I sincerely can understand all the wasted energy that results from expecting something from someone…the true pain that this can cause to both parties can be avoided if they just listened.

 

As for me, I married a wonderful man from a completely different background. Being Mexican, I “swam” in Christian waters. Born to very open minded parents, I am trained to know that men and women are all human beings, and that celebration in deep family values and fun is our fertile land.

 

Ibrahim is Saudi, 18 years my senior, born in Medinah…a holy city. He was married when I married him, and had three beautiful kids. And that was him.

 

The non-application of should from both sides has created a true bond, in which non of us expects nothing from the other. A great feeling to have after 36 years of This Is It!…

 

 

How to stay away from Shoulding others during an argument

 

  • Relax and observe
  • If you feel attacked, breathe three times before expressing any thoughts
  • Look at your hand with the palm facing your face
    • Describe what you see (the palm)
    • Imagine there is another person at the other side of your hand…what does he/she sees?
      • Imagine you ask the the other person what she/he sees?
      • Realize that even if it is the same hand, the description of what you both see will be different
      • Apply this example with their points of view and yours
  • Listen to their body language and learn
  • Listen to their ways and learn
  • Stay inspirable avoiding the should wall to lock you into isolation
  • Smile and have fun learning while staying away from confusions and instead grow in lessons…
  • Feel: There is no right nor wrong, just different…

 

Now you are listening your way into the Flow…

 

Congratulations.

 

 

What action are you taking?

Will you choose to accept yourself the way you are, allowing the brain to help you by gushing the happinizing endorphins?

 

After all this is the shortest shortcut towards a smooth and long-lasting relationship first with yourself, and then with others…

 

What do you choose?

It is your choice!

 

 

See you on July 30th for more: Virus Have To and the Antidote  Choose To!

 

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